Andrew Breitbart presents BIG Mayhem

In Memoriam: Andrew Breitbart (1969-2012)

2012-03-02T08:58:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER: All true patriots who loved Andrew will disregard the vile filth that precedes this post we've uploaded here, which was intended to run on March 1st. The heartless headline and poorly photoshopped image were apparently left by hackers associated with Anonymous who somehow infiltrated BIG Mayhem sometime after midnight on Thursday. BIG Mayhem is working tirelessly to delete the post but have been locked out of it by the hackers. We vow to find them and intend to pursue legal action once their identities have been ascertained. Until then, we apologize to all readers of BIG Mayhem and Breitbart.

With a terrible feeling of pain and loss we announce the passing of Andrew Breitbart.

Andrew passed away unexpectedly from natural causes shortly after midnight this morning in Los Angeles.
We have lost a husband, a father, a son, a brother, a dear friend, a patriot and a happy warrior.
Andrew lived boldly, so that we more timid souls would dare to live freely and fully, and fight for the fragile liberty he showed us how to love.
Andrew recently wrote a new conclusion to his book, Righteous Indignation:

I love my job. I love fighting for what I believe in. I love having fun while doing it. I love reporting stories that the Complex refuses to report. I love fighting back, I love finding allies, and—famously—I enjoy making enemies.
Three years ago, I was mostly a behind-the-scenes guy who linked to stuff on a very popular website. I always wondered what it would be like to enter the public realm to fight for what I believe in. I’ve lost friends, perhaps dozens. But I’ve gained hundreds, thousands—who knows?—of allies. At the end of the day, I can look at myself in the mirror, and I sleep very well at night.

Andrew is at rest, yet the happy warrior lives on, in each of us.

***

BREITBART: DEAD AT LAST!!!!!!

2012-03-01T05:55:00.000-08:00

#anonymous

Grand Sinister - Trapped in the Closet: Chapter II

2012-02-01T19:31:00.000-08:00

by Tim Minor

Over the past several weeks, BIG Mayhem has taken it upon itself to launch a FULL investigation into the developing controversy inspired by the strange bedfellows of The Ministry's Grand Gadfly, Jared W. Adams and the rumors that he is secretly a proud conservative at heart. In days the BIG Mayhem team hit GOLD striking the motherload with a treasure trove of pics from the past two years detailing the conservative social circles that the Grand Sinister has regularly moved in throughout his term.

Adams and Simmons in LA, October 2011

The Grand Sinister is a notorious KISS fan and has before claimed to "worship Gene Simmons like a glorious demon god." Calling Doctor Love made the Grand Sinister's list of "100 Favorite Songs of All Fucking Time List" released last summer, along with KISS member Ace Frehley's "Back In The New York Groove." Simmons has been a vocal opponent and direct adversary of online terror-hackers Anonymous (an outfit that the Grand Sinister giddily supports). Sources close to Simmons say the two regularly attend one another's social engagements and maintain a "very warm friendship" despite their diametrically opposed views on Israel's borders, American foreign policy and international affairs in general.

Adams with Grammer at a backyard pool party at one of Grammer's homes in the summer of 2009

Kelsey Grammer's buddy-buddy relationship with Adams stretches back to Adams' earliest days as Grand Sinister. The staunchly conservative Grammer's receptiveness to Adams, who has called Grammer "one of the greatest performers in American history," was interpreted by most right-wing analysts as a pre-emptive defensive measure against Adams venomous wrath should Grammer ever pursue his long-cited pet project of a run for California's U.S. Senate seat. Though he is a traditional small-government conservative Grammer, whom Adams refers to as "Beast," is virtually perfectly aligned with Adams across the board on social issues and the Grand Sinister was rumored to have secured Grammer his much-lauded role as Georges in Broadway's revival of La Cage Aux Folles.

Adams bothering a clearly disinterested TenNapel in spring of 2010

Our own Douglas TenNapel (a regular contributor to BIG Hollywood) has been said to be in the Grand Sinister's "Top 5 favorite comic artists of all fucking time." TenNapel's masterful works, namely The Neverhood, GEAR and Earthworm Jim, are said to be highly prized inspirational material to Adams and he is rumored to remain surrounded by TenNapel's artwork in his living quarters on the regular. This unrestrained admiration for TenNapel has expounded from Adams despite TenNapel's righteous indignation against socialist indoctrination and his conservative stance on every major social issue.

Though Adams has been long-rumored to regularly (inexplicably) carry on with women on the right in clandestine dalliances, the shocking revelation of his affair with brilliant and outspoken conservative CNBC correspondent Michelle Caruso-Cabrera in late 2010 was almost too much for many of us at BIG Mayhem to bear... why Michelle... why...

But perhaps the most persistent and blatant inconsistency in the Grand Sinister's Rolodex by all accounts simply must to go to Kevin Sorbo.

Adams meeting his "hero" at a premier in September

Since assuming office as Grand Sinister, Adams has been extremely open about his unbridled obsession with the star of the 90's fantasy epic Hercules: The Legendary Journeys of which Adams is a self-avowed uber-fan and "most die-hard of the die-hards." In an interview with Wizard Magazine a few months after beginning his term in 2009 Adams had this to say of the show's influence on him:

"It provided, without question, a true moral compass for me throughout the 90's and taught me important lessons about war and diplomacy that helped shape my views on foreign policy to this day. Herc never sought out a fight and if attackers ever met him on the roads throughout Greece he would never lift a hand against them until he had exhausted all efforts of diffusing the situation peacefully."

While his interpretations of the show's values are debatable and we'll never truly know how much it influenced him, what is assured is the impact that Sorbo's hairstyle circa Hercules had on the Grand Minister who has, by his own admission, sought to model his appearance exclusively around that of the actor.

What many of the Grand Sinister's minions may not know is that his idol stands for just about everything that their dear leader does not. Sorbo is a loud and proud conservative and a vocal proponent of the ongoing Tea Party movement for liberty, economic security and anti-communism. Sorbo is a valiant crusader against big government, a pious christian conservative and an all-around swell guy! While the Grand Sinister only sullies Sorbo's name by associating himself with him, Adams' sick obsession is one of the most compelling bits of evidence in the ongoing trial to prove once and for all that for all the mayhem he wreaks, it's all but a charade of a deeply conflicted, deeply disturbed would-be conservative who lost his way and sold his soul to Hades.

BREAKING NEWS: Could the Grand Sinister Be a Conservative in the Closet???

2011-12-23T16:05:00.000-08:00

by Tim Minor

While wild conspiracy theories are most often reserved for rabid and unhinged leftists, the likes of Michael Moore, Lawrence O'Donnell and Woody Harrelson, this most recent rumor sweeping the political blogosphere looks like it might actually have legs! The world's most celebrated communist and current Grand Sinister for Venereal Mayhem, Jared W. Adams, is known to be the most radically uncompromising out-to-pasture socialist in the whole Susan Sarandon-lusting liberal funbunch, but the prized "progress" peddler sure has been keeping some questionable company these days, at least by his and his flock's hateful far left standards!

Last nite, the presidential candidate shocked the world by making an unprecedented appearance on the FOX News channel via an hour-long sit-down on The O'Reilly Factor. We can only assume that Bill is EXTREMELY desperate for a ratings boost for him to agree to such a spectacle. The two sparred without commercial interruption with O'Reilly holding his own and Adams characteristically spiraling into his expected vacuous Marxist propaganda spouting. Reproducing the entire transcript of the ass-kicking O'Reilly leveled on Adams would be excessive. But reading between the lines, as many BIG Mayhem analysts have done, reveals Adams' true intentions in giving the interview.

The interview began with Adams insisting what a "ginormous fan" he was of O'Reilly and The Factor. Adams claimed to have "watched (the) show for a decade" and "rarely missed an episode." The two often bonded throughout the interview over their shared disdain for partisan gridlock in the Congress and the president's incompetence as a leader. At one point in the show Adams pointed out the common ground he and O'Reilly have, such as their Irish heritage and positions on certain social issues (namely capital punishment, which they both oppose). The most talked about remark from the radical socialist presidential hopeful came when he suggested that O'Reilly was "a much bigger fan of the president" than he (Adams) is. While the Grand Sinister spent the other 58 minutes of the hour-long "special" spewing his usual vitriolic commie bile, many analysts observed that his attitude towards O'Reilly seemed to suggest a familiarity and comfort level that bordered on admiration and possibly even affection.

So what do we take from this? With his past still shrouded in mystery it is difficult to know for sure, but the question still must be asked: could Grand Sinister Adams simply be a sad case of a once-proud conservative who sold out to the liberal media, Hollywood and the Socialist sleeper agents in Congress for personal gain, while forever secretly throwing a Tea Party in his soul? Maybe Adams' fellow sexual deviant R.Kelly will make one of his new Trapped in the Closet chapters about the Mayhem leader and his struggle with his inner right-winger.

GM Adams: Water Prohibitionist!!!

2011-08-18T21:07:00.000-07:00

In his latest and most egregious act of fascistic proselytizing, Grand Minister Adams has attempted to convince people that water, the most vital and abundant resource on the planet, should not be left to the ownership and control of private industry. Not only that, Adams encourages the populace to STOP DRINKING WATER altogether! With the amount of mindless lemmings following him off a cliff, this message should be seen as what it is: attempted murder on all weak-willed followers of The Ministry of General Mayhem.

Read the Ministry leader's latest horrific vendetta against the human race here!!!

Adams Caught in Third Trimester Tryst with Three Pregnant Spice Girls!!!

2011-07-30T12:42:00.000-07:00

by Tim Minor

Recent anonymous reports have come to light indicating that Grand Minister for General Mayhem, Jared W. Adams, engaged in group sex with three former members of the English pop group the Spice Girls, while all three were in the late stages of pregnancy back in mid-June.

According to several accounts from hotel workers at La Masion Magnifique de Beverly Hills of Beverly Hills, the late nite foursome convened in a single hotel room paid for in advance, at approximately 10:23 PM on the evening of June 22nd and checked out at 4:56 AM the morning of June 23rd. This places the incident as occurring in the midst of the Grand Minister's week-long courtship of Hollywood while his exploratory committee for the Presidency was in full bloom.

Apparently, votes weren't all the Grand Minister was courting in California.

The four were spotted prior to their arrival at La Maison Magnifique at a Pro-Ministry Gala held at the home of Jack Nicholson. After making a speech of gratitude to the gathered entertainment elite, Adams was seen speaking with Victoria Beckham and her husband, a soccer player, on the veranda when the husband left early, due to a soccer competition he had the following morning. The pair were soon joined by Spice Girls Emma Bunton and Melanie Brown and then disappeared altogether.

Adams has long been known to indulge in aberrant sexual fetishes. And as one of gay marriage's most radical and vocal supporters it has been abundantly clear for some time that he bears no respect whatsoever for the sanctity of holy matrimony. But even the harshest critics of the Grand Minister couldn't have suspected that he would degrade pregnancy, the most sacred status a woman can achieve, and desecrate the holy pathway to the divine chamber of the womb while it contains one of God's offspring.

While any chance he ever had of achieving an American presidency died while HE was in the womb, his campaign is surely planning to abort now.

Grand Minister Adams: Voldemort of the 2012 Presidential Race

2011-07-29T19:25:00.000-07:00

by Tim Minor

I must piggy back on my colleague Mr. Breitbart's magnificent piece here at Big Mayhem.

Mr. Adams: Or should I call him "he who shall not be named."

A religious fanatic my friends.

Sorry, an ANTI-religious fanatic is more like it.

Join me and think about it. Godless heathen leader of The Ministry of General Mayhem leader of the free world? I am not even going to get upset at this attempt for more attention from the aforementioned media whore and "presidential hopeful."

Why?

Because hope is what this maniac would need. That... and a soul, which he refused! It is apparently not enough for this maniac to just be an atheist. HE IS A MILITANT ATHEIST. He must feel COMPELLED to try to convert others to his godless lifestyle.

It isn't merely enough to feel the absence of God in his life, he has to bring it up every chance he gets.

Do you all remember this?

"There is no moral authority. There is no supreme path of righteousness. There are only the laws of science"

Outright lies (no surprise there!) spoken again and again. He wasn't even being asked a question about religion!

This is why he does not stand any chance of winning an election, regardless of any age issues, which I refuse to get into right now. There's no point.

This is a CHRISTIAN NATION. FACT.

We can all see this, why can't he?

Senior Old Guy Perspective on the Budget Crisis

2011-07-29T19:09:00.000-07:00

Do I even have to say it?

I think you know what I'm going to say but, well, I'll say it anyway. And I hate having to say it. Well, I hate having to write on these horrible trickster machines. When I was young we wrote like men, with inkwells. Then there were typewriters, I hate those too. I also hate pistachio ice cream. Why can you just leave the nuts alone? What's wrong with Vanilla?

Oh, wait, I digress again. What was I talking about?

Yes, The budget. I really only have one point.

There is no reason we canNOT JUST WORK togHETHER ON THIS ONE. WHY CAN'T WE ALL COME TOGETHER , COMPROMISE AND DO WHAT THE REPUBLICANS WANT? WE ALL KNOW THAT AMERICA IS 75% NEO CONSERVITIVE REPUBLICAN, what's THE PROBLEM GOVERNEMNT? YOU KNOW WHAT ALL THE PEOPLE WANT.

WHAT WHY ARE THE LETTERS IN CAAPITOLS, I HATE THESE STUPID TRIXTER MAchines
oh there we go, ALL FIXED, AWWWWWW, DAG NABBIT!!!!

Arthur Smith
Senior Old Guy Perspective
Contributor

Is THIS the next President of YOUR United States of America!?!?!?!?!?!?

2011-07-26T08:09:00.001-07:00

Well, friends... he finally did it... finally gave America the big FUCK YOU he promised he would...

"The symbiotic relationship of the incompetence of the President matched with the malfeasance of the Congressional Republicans is dooming us to certain ruin and handing this country over to the vultures!!! It is THEY that have forced MY hand!!! I can no longer allow this to continue!!! I will not see my country junked, broken and stripped for parts!!! Picked away at by the carrion crows of corporation!! I will not see it sold away bit by bit to the highest bidders!!! I will not allow us to be sold away by those who have already sold themselves!!! I will reclaim this nation in the name of humanity for YES we do still exist here!!! And so it is with massive self-assurance and gigantic cocksurance that I accept my self-nomination for President of the United Fucking States of America!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU BOEHNERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And there you have it. Just a snippet of the speech's final moments is what you'll find here. It's all we had the stomach for here at BIG Mayhem. You can read the whole garbled mass of nonsense elsewhere on the web if you wish. And yes, he did actually say "gigantic cocksurance" in the speech, which was made before a crowd of foaming degenerates and inebriates last night in Madison, WI (which is apparently the current ground zero of anarcho-socialist sentiment in the country).

The event was a sickening display. Attended by misguided Wisconsinites and outsiders, along with a vast range of supporters that ran the gamut of far-left lunatics in Hollywood, academia, journalism and government. The streets were flooded with booze and excrement as the revelers, with no regard for the laws of God or man celebrated in the streets upon the announcement from their beloved Grand Minister. The decadence and depravity went on into the evening until The Ministry retired with their "comrades" in the liberal elite to a secret after party which we can only assume was accompanied by all the usual Ministry refinement to an orgy in Ancient Rome.

Meanwhile, the Ministry's Chief Drunken Communist whatever Colum O'Connolly has been campaigning hard to drum up support for The Ministry's Presidential Age Appropriateness and Naturalized Citizenship Anti-Discrimination Act. If passed the bill would ratify a new amendment to the Constitution rendering key aspects of Article II Section 1 as null and void; primarily the requirements that a candidate for President be at least 35 years of age and a natural born citizen.

This is, without question, the single most inane proposal ever put forth by an American presidential candidate in the history of this country.

Has the whole world gone crazy!? Am I the only one who gives a shit about the Constitution?!

But this is what Adams wants, doesn't he? This is what he's ALWAYS wanted. Pure chaos and unfettered disaster. Heaping droves of dogshit to rain down upon this blessed land. Who knows what his ultimate aim might be? Maybe he thinks it's funny! Maybe he thinks it would be funny to see teenagers run for office!?! Or pre-schoolers!!! Or could it be... to see a GODDAMN ANCHOR BABY in the White House!?!?!?!? OH WAIT! I'M SORRY! It wouldn't even have to be an anchor baby because under this bill natural born citizenship would no longer be a requirement! It could be a baby BORN IN ANY FUCKING COUNTRY IN THE WORLD!!!!

And while the age requirement is obviously a significant and hopefully, if this Congress has any worth, reason or shred of sense, insurmountable barrier against an Adams presidency, the Act's attempt to undo the natural born citizenship requirement for the office is believed to be for the purpose of Adams selecting O'Connolly as his running mate.

But we at BIG Mayhem are surmising differently...

The fact that his past remains shrouded in mystery and the desired passage of this bill all point to an obvious conclusion. One we've encountered before. Encountered with our CURRENT SITTING PRESIDENT. And who knows!? Perhaps their in cahoots right now! Perhaps this bill already has the full support of Obama because he's fearing that our courageous and unwavering birther groups will finally dig up something concrete on him? The truth is out there... we know it is...

And the truth about Adams is as well...

And while Grand Minister Adams' age remains as of yet uncertain, experts place him at somewhere in his mid-20's. You can rest assured, now that he's thrown his hat in the ring, we at BIG Mayhem won't be going quite as easy on him and his goons as before.

Not one... fucking... bit...

Behind The Beard: The Ministry's "Mental Health Authority" and His Rapid Descent Into Madness - Part. I

2011-06-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

by Tim Minor

Well, here we have it folks, Patriots, lovers of America and the American way: another great example of the GRAND ol' Ministry and its furthering of its own degradation from within. I am going to share with you something that has literally been growing for awhile.

Dr. Reskew, The bad psychoanalyst (not "the good doctor" as his Ministry cohorts call him) is reportedly declining in his interpersonal relationships and growing increasingly popular with degenerates on the fringes of society. It has been well-documented for many years, the proven connection between beard-growers and drug use, rioting, and writing poetry.

This man should be stopped! I can't believe this man is displaying his decline as a person in such a way. If it wasn't clear that this man has problems indicated by his affiliation with the corrupt sectarian Ministry, it is clear now from his actions earlier this month.

Reskew's functioning is obviously suspect, I mean, this guy openly was heard yelling "Crazy beard forever" at a rally. This man is Crazy! The Ministry as well as Reskew has had declining relationships with celebrities and news organizations for months. HE'S CRAZY!!!

I wrote Stephen Colbert about a separate issue: Reskew placing flags around his office.

"Wait, this guy is trying to cover his office in American?" Colbert said. "That's kinda my thing... I hope he's not trying to take my image..."

Why Reskew would let something like this happen to his face, I do not know. I can only guess this is because he has a lack of people who love him and would stop him before his appearance fell apart.

Reskew resembles someone else who grew a beard when he lost his way in the world.

This is now becoming typical at the Ministry, with Jared Adams trying to look like Kevin Sorbo, Reskew looking like a communist criminal and O'Connolly who wasn't even born in America! These people are degenerates and are what's wrong with America.

They stray from a faith-filled path!

THEY'RE CRAZY!!!

BIG Mayhem Launch!!! A New Era of Smashing The Ministry Begins!!!

2011-06-13T09:26:00.000-07:00

Hello friends,

Indeed, as Grand Minister Adams said, "the gauntlet has been thrown." It gives me great pleasure to welcome you all to Andrew Breitbart presents BIG Mayhem, the latest in my series of BIG BLOGS.

Here at BIG Mayhem, we will provide a relentless monitoring of all actions of the radical far-leftist organizing collective, The Ministry of General Mayhem. This organization has operated for over a century casting illegitimate influence over America's political system, supporting anti-American regimes abroad and inciting universal chaos on a daily basis.

Throughout the digital age, The Ministry has only expanded its hold over the populace assuming control as the de facto nerve center of the leftwing blogosphere. As always, we at Breitbart strive to provide a counterbalance to the overwhelming liberal bias on the web and the in news AND NOW we are providing a counterbalance to its source: The Ministry.

In recent years, under the current administration of Grand Minister for General Mayhem, Jared W. Adams, The Ministry has engaged in more insidious activities than ever. Under Adams' oversight The Ministry has undermined our political process using cloak and dagger methods and covert operations from both within and without the bounds of domestic law and even overseas.

At BIG Mayhem you can rest assured that full-coverage will be provided on all public appearances by The Ministry High Command, all Ministry press releases, round-the-clock coverage of Ministry members Twitter accounts as well as every last piece of information sent out by the radical organization.

As always at Breitbart, we will continue reporting the facts as they develop, so long as they serve our ultimate goal of dismantling The Ministry and we will, of course, develop the facts further with slight alterations if necessary to make them serve our goal more effectively.

This, is my solemn vow.

SMASH the Ministry.

- Andrew Breitbart

LEAK OF TOP SECRET MINISTRY RECORDING!!!!

2011-02-15T22:58:00.000-08:00

HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looks like that communist rapist Julian Assmunch isn't the only one who knows how to take a leak!!!! YEAH! We're taking a leak allllllllll over The Ministry of General Mayhem today!!! Some of our spies just intercepted a recording made by the Ministry quack, Dr. Moose Savior, or whatever the fuck his name is, and let me tell you folks, it's a whopper!!!!! This one's got it all!!! Rampant drug use, dissension in the ranks and let's just say... PLENTY of shit that will make sure this PETA alliance they've got going is one short honeymoon!!

Enjoy their impending downfall:

Transcript:

Dr. Elkan Reskew
Ecco 1 Mental Health Assesment
Day 63
February 10th 2011

Dan and Elkan join Jared at the deck of the Ecco 1. Jared has been at the helm of the ship for several hours of the morning.

Jared: ARRRR!!! Avast! Welcome friend! How the fuck are ye!!?!?!

Elkan: I'm fine, Jared. Just seeing how you're doing up here.

Dan: Jared, being on a ship doesn't make us pirates.

Jared: Maybe you're not the only one with an accent Dan! Look don't spoil it, I'm doing great and you know it feels great not being land bound

Dan: What the fuck Jared, if we're not land bound where the hell are we going?

Jared laughs and stares off in between Dan and drew.

There is a moment of silence.

Jared: Damn I love the ocean.

Elkan: That’s good to hear, I know ocean life has been a little rough for you lately.

Jared: Yessss that’s all in the past now! I’m feeling much better! And I have something you must all see!!! (excitedly and using Jared fingers) Someone throw me a beer! This dolphin needs more drinks!

Elkan: ... Jared you've been feeding a dolphin beer?

Jared: Yes.

Elkan: Shouldn't.. isn't that.. not good?

Dan: It's not.

Jared: No no, you must see this!

Elkan: Alright..

Before waiting for Elkan or Dan's response Jared moves to stand in between Dan and Elkan then with his arms on their shoulders ushers them both over to the edge of the deck next to a large reclining lawn chair where Jared had spent most of the morning.

As we peered over the edge, there was a dolphin gently matching the velocity of the ship. Jared leans over and gestures a beer bottle up in the air, giving it a slight wiggle in the sunlight somehow motioning the attention of the dolphin.

Elkan: Jared, I don't think tha-

Jared (interrupting Elkan): Noooo, It's fine. I saw this guy do this at SeaWorld. C'mon Ecco!

Dan: Is he talking to the ship?

Elkan: I'm not sure...

The dolphin turns over on its belly, keeping its mouth upward and making a eht eht eht sound. Jared pours the beer and the dolphin catches most of the beer in his mouth. The dolphin starts to do specialty jumps, flipping in the air and whatnot.

Elkan: That's awesome! I think you just trained a dolphin!

Jared: That's Ecco! He's the shit!

Elkan: How many beers has he had?

Jared: 12 in the last hour.

Elkan: Holy shit!

Dan: You found an Irish dolphin!

Jared: Yes my friend. Yes, one of your people.

There is a short moment of silence.

Elkan: Jared, can I ask you a question?

Jared: Yes.

Elkan: Didn’t you ask us to throw you a beer earlier?

Jared: Yes..

Elkan: And then just now you had a beer and fed it to the dolphin.

Jared: Yes…

Dan: We didn’t throw you one..

Jared: Yes… what is it?

Elkan: Where’d you get the beer you fed Ecco?

Jared: I don’t understand the question.

-----Exaclty 4 beers later---

Jared: I think it would be great if we went to Egypt. You know to hang out with all the protesters.

Dan: Yeah.

---Exactly 30 mins later-----

Elkan: Hey what do you think Norrington would say about you feeding beer to a dolphin?

Dan: Who cares what he thinks, he doesn’t even know which kingdom of living creatures he belongs to

Jared: Yeah he’s not even real.

There is a short pause.

Elkan: He could re-call the ship.

Dan and Jared: Oh.. yeah…

Dan Jared and Elkan: Eh.

Dan: They say we’ll have better relations with PETA with Norrington as acting Ministry Leader.

Elkan and Jared: Eh.

Elkan: Well it doesn’t really matter, even if we were recalled, we’re on a mission and we’d ignore the order.

Dan: Right, we have to find and rescue Turk.

Jared and Elkan: Capture.

Dan: Rescue.

Jared and Elkan: Capture. (This was said louder to let Dan know he was definitely wrong)

Elkan: Dan, I’m all for believing in the best of people, but I wouldn’t be so quick to turn on Turk if he wasn’t so quick to turn on us first.

Dan: We don’t know that.

Jared: He put his face on a Japanese potato chip bag to taunt us, stole a ministry transport, and the money and supplies we gave him!!! AND THE BEERS!!!! This is a personal offense, and it will not be tolerated!!!

Dan: Look, we can argue about this, or we can just continue what we’re doing and we’ll see who’s right.

Elkan: Fine, even though you’re wrong.

----exactly 3 beers later---------

Dan: Where are we anyway?

Jared: I don’t see any land. (squinting his eyes looking off on either side of the deck)

Elkan: … shouldn’t we have gotten to our destination by now?

Jared: (slightly more nervous, and standing up now) We should at least see land.

Dan checks our charts in the captains room.

Dan: Jared, you were at the helm for three hours?

Jared: Yes.

Dan: We REALLY are not land bound! You weren’t kidding!

Elkan: (Takes a deep breath, followed by steady tempered speech) Jared, I don’t want to get upset, but you need to tell us why we are not where we are supposed to be.

Jared: (almost whispering) It should be right here… (Still looking around for land)

Elkan: (Takes a deep breath followed by loud un-tempered speech) WHAT should be right here, Jared??

Dan: (Yells something incomprehensible in Irish)

Jared: ATLANTIS, OKAY?! ATLANTIS!

There is a pause, and Elkan and Dan’s faces go blank.

Dan: (In slightly softer than normal volume) Like Plato’s Atlantis?

Jared: No, Erich von Däniken’s Atlantis - it should have been here.

Elkan: (Also now in a softer yet concerned tone of voice) Uh, That’s… not even the right theory… or legend.

Jared: I was watching Ancient Aliens on the history channel downstairs last night and he said it would be here, I changed the course to dock there, they can help us get Turk and capture him! Ecco needs to find it too and we were going to keep it a surprise for when we get there.

Elkan: (muttering to himself) Aw crap, he’s been talking to the dolphin.

There is an awkward silence.

Dan: Elkan, you need to help fix this.

Elkan: I vowed never to give therapy to Jared, on account of professional boundaries.

Dan: ELKAN! He’s talking to dolphins!

Jared has asked Elkan for a general psychological assessment from Elkan on several occasions, however Elkan has always declined, due to wishing to uphold the ethics taught to him regarding the subject of avoiding dual relationships as a clinical therapist, as well as general unease with the prospect.

Jared had walked over to the side of the ship a moment ago and is trying to speak to Ecco the Dolphin, who has been following the ship for some time. It was unclear but it seemed like Jared was asking the dolphin for directions to Taco Bell followed by an argument for why the new quad steak burrito is the best item on the menu.

Elkan looks over at his Jared and reluctantly agrees to help Jared regain his sanity due to the extremity of the circumstances, but only as what Elkan called “A not really but kinda like therapy session on account that he needs help and I’m the only foreseeable help that can be provided for Jared and ethically I have to.”

------Exactly one reluctant almost therapy session later-------

It came to light that early in the trip, Jared had eaten some Zapata Snaps which apparently were contaminated. The Zapata Snaps were picked up in Mexico when Dan came aboard the Ecco 1. Jared loves Zapata Snaps and he insisted on eating the share of cookies from Dan and Elkan and ate those as well.

Jared began to suffer from stomach pains and had decided to go into the medical closet of the Ecco 1 where Elkan keeps his medical supplies. Elkan had brought medical supplies from the Ministry Official HQ including an assortment of medications to address the many issues that might occur on the voyage to Africa. One of these medications, was intended to help address persistent psychosis which Jared mistook for a common OTC pain reliever. The medication Jared took can have the side effects of stomach pains as well as some symptoms of psychosis. Jared had been taking one of these pills a day, which actually prolonged his stomach pains and lead to him beginning to destabilize mentally.

Jared had begun to believe that he could reach the lost and advanced civilization known as Atlantis. This quest began to calm Jared as he focused all his uneasiness related to cabin fever on this destination. Apparently, he started to believe that the dolphin was in fact, the dolphin from the 1992 Sega Genesis video game.

The remaining Zapata Snaps were thrown overboard to prevent any other instances of sickness. With some help from Elkan, Jared returns back to reality and full awareness. The trip begins to return to a more normal state.

------Exactly 7 non-alcoholic drinks later----

Dan Jared and Elkan are lounging on the sun filled deck. A beep comes from Elkan’s standard issue ministry phone.

The following report was sent:

Hello Elkan,

I thought I should notify you of this as soon as possible:

I found this while on another lead for other research I was looking into:

On the upside, since the Ecco 1 was deployed no one else has been messing with my office.

From: Joe parker @ Research and development

Elkan shared this message and image with Jared and Dan.

Dan: This is obviously Turk somehow reaching out for help.

Jared: …or Turk telling us what a jerk he is.

Elkan: Yeah!

Jared and Elkan high five.

Dan: Why would Turk put himself on such strange and unfavorable advertisements if he wanted to show us he’s a jerk?

Elkan and Jared think for a moment.

Elkan: I don’t know exactly why, maybe he’s trying to say he’s untouchable.

Jared: This is strange, these ads, but it does not prove anything.

(END TRANSCRIPT)

It may cut off there but we haven't cut them off yet!!! We'll be leaking everything else we can as they come in!!! We're going to destroy these fuckers!!!! DESTROY THEM!!!!!! WE MUST!!!! WE MUST!!!!! WE MUST!!!!! SMASH THE MINISTRY!!!!!!!! SEND MONEY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Smash The Ministry, a 527 organization

NEW DEVELOPMENTS SAME SHIT

2011-02-01T15:02:00.000-08:00

We knew it!

WE allllllllllll KNEW IT!!!!!!!!!

The Ministry is now run by an ANIMAL!!

As we always knew! Grand Minister Adams is a BEAST MASTER!!!!!!

Now he has left in shame and admitted to his sins by placing the very defenseless creature he violated over Thanksgiving in his stead!!! IT's a pitiful peace offering to the PETA nazis so they don't shove red paint buckets up his ass in his sleep!!!! NOW! He's FINISHED!!!! He's SWAYZE! He's fled the country!!! It's DONE!!!!!! The Throne of Adams is AT AN END!!!!!

Who's the ANIMAL FUCKER NOW!?!?!?!?!?!?

BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At least let's hope it's over....

Though Adams has left the country with his cronies, the Irish Communist and the little fellow, this doesn't mean that their Reign of Terror is over. No no, dear friends. As it is well known, the Tyrannical Trio has set sail for the country of Africa and though they claim to be doing so for the purpose of locating their lost one-time ally Turk von Hasselhoff, WE KNOW BETTER!!!!!!!!!!

It is clear that The Ministry, with their advanced knowledge of all domestic and worldwide terrorism, were alerted MONTHS AGO of the islamicist extremist uprising that we are now seeing unfold in the state of Cairo on the streets of Egypt. Their true intention is CLEAR! They are sailing to the Egyptian coastline to blaze in and take control of the ailing nation of Cairo just as Hitler did in Germany and France and unite the country under the flag of the NEW NAZISM the Muslim Brotherhood of ANTI-Zionist Communist America Hating Al Qaeda Homos!!!!!!!

We need to act now! We need to take to the streets...well before taking to the streets we need to send as much money as possible to SMASH THE MINISTRY (a 527 organization) so that we can continue to do everything we can to defeat the fucking Ministry motherfuckers and finish these fuckers off for ALL TIME!!!!! ALL TIME!!!!!! ALL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

So after that, AND ONLY AFTER THAT, after giving us as much money as possible. We must TAKE TO THE STREETS!!!! We must put on a street protest from coast to coast with the most!!!!! We must turn out in droves that make the ISLAMISIST pussies in the streets of the city of Egypt look like the shithead panzy faggots they are!!! And we can do this only by taking to our streets for just a few hours every day and doing so while taking advantage of the hospitality of our MOST GENEROUS sponsors, the Relais & Châteaux Luxury Hotels, which will put up ALL SMASH THE MINISTRY protesters totally 100% FREE OF CHARGE throughout these protests.

Because THAT is how serious the threat is we face dear friends. THAT is how serious these MOTHERFUCKERS have made the game!! A private luxury enterprise of the SIZE and unimaginable GIRTH of Relais & Châteaux will be lending its services PRO BONO to all MINISTRY SMASHERS to take down take out and END in the most ABSOLUTE PERMANENT FASHION IMAGINABLE these communist nazi muslim terrorists in the fucking Ministry FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's CLEAR!!!! IT'S CLEAR!!!! WE ALL KNOW IT!!!! WE ALLLLLL SEE IT!!!!! The mainstream media loves gays and Stalinists and liberal left-leaning losers!!! They would NEVER TELL YOU WHAT WE TELL YOU!!!!!

WE NEED TO FIGHT THIS!!!!

WE NEED TO SAVE CAIRO!!!!

WE MUST SMASH THE FUCKING MINISTRY MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please send check or money order or PayPal to Smash The Ministry (a 527 organization)

- SMASH THE MINISTRY, (a 527 organization)

Under New Management

2010-12-08T11:42:00.000-08:00

Much like the phoenix from the days of ancient mythology and even more like Jesus, so has SMASH THE MINISTRY arisen from the ashes of embers of fires. The Ministry of General Mayhem is trying to kill America and WE MUST KILL IT FIRST!! WE must SMASH IT!

The time is now more than ever in which we, and by we I mean the people of the great state of New York (north and west of Manhattan) and throughout these beautiful United States (except for certain areas along the coasts), to rise up with violent patriotism to destroy once and for all EVERYTHING that the wicked traitorous cocksucking bitches at The Ministry of General Mayhem try to shove down the throats of honest hardworking Americans every day.

Though it has long masqueraded as a simple Non-Governmental Organization dedicated to promoting liberal causes and activism, I know, as all of you know, that it has grown into a communistic strong arm of the Obama administration meant to abolish our military, dismantle our economy, cripple our diplomatic standing in the world and transform all our children into gay bisexual homos. And if THAT weren't bad enough we now know for a fucking FACT that The Ministry has ties to WikiLeaks and the release of secret government documents that have put America at serious risk of looking stupid! They may plead ignorance about the info leaked but YOU and I know that The Ministry was ultimately responsible for everything!!

And if that weren't bad enough! The Ministry is being led by one of the most evil lying mademen in the entire country!!! With his ties to various anti-American leaders, his ceaseless anti-corporate rhetoric, his anti-war whining and his anti-homophobia rants have revealed a twisted and depraved America-hater in our midst with extremely likely links to al-Qaeda.

But most of all, WORST of all! Now! Here and now!! For EVERYONE to see!!! Even as he has tried to mask his hypocrisy with baseless accusations leveled against candidates who would've surely been the greatest leaders this glorious nation has ever seen, even as he has stalled this nation's bright future and instead descended it into a descent, a harrowing one that we may not be able to come back from! We now know the truth! We now know who he is! We have seen the TRUE FACE of this Grannnnnnnd Minister!!! We now know! WE KNOW!!!!

THE BASTARD FUCKS ANIMALS!!!!!!!!!!

YEAHHHH!!! YEAHHHH!!!! HOW'S IT FEEL BITCH????? HOW'S IT FEEEEEEEEEL?????? YOU LIKE THAT YOU LITTLE FAGGOT!?!?!?!?! PAYBACK'S A BIIIIIIIIITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!! PAYBACK IS A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111Q

That

That was necessary

Very

Believe me

And as if more evidence could possibly be needed to condemn this beastialitist for all time, we, SMASH THE MINISTRY, can personally guarantee that within the fortnight we shall release to the World Wide Web the most CONCLUSIVE evidence that Grand Minister Jared W. Adams is, has been and always will be a BEAST MASTER.

And SMASH THE MINISTRY refuses to let this country fall into the hands of sexual deviants and communistic socialists and with the help of all true fucking American patriots, we can make a nation and world free of the sinister influence of this dark shadow faction that has hijacked your government and turned it over to the unions and the welfare-sucking leeches of the inner-cities.

But now, that is at an end!! Since the reactivation of SMASH THE MINISTRY earlier this morning, SMASH THE MINISTRY has already amassed over $200 million in private contributions. If you love America, if you love your family, if you love the Tea Party, if you love the Private Sector, if you love the results of the elections on November 2nd and think that they would've been much better especially if all the Republican gubernatorial candidates had been successful and all the other ones as well, you must (make a private contribution to the PayPal account of) SMASH THE MINISTRY!

Victory begins here.

Victory begins with a SMASH.

SMASH THE FUCKING MINISTRY MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

- SMASH THE MINISTRY, (a 527 organization)

Time is of the essence

2009-10-19T19:04:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentleman,

Time is of the essence.

It gives me great pleasure to begin this online weblog for the purpose of spreading a wealth of knowledge to each and every one of you concerning the perilous direction this country is headed and what you can do, YES YOU, to get us back on course.

Over the next few weeks, we will, ALL OF US, be going to do just what was said in the brilliant and captivating piece I know many of you have already seen at Left of the Dial reviews.

We will, together, SMASH THE MINISTRY!!!

Below you will see a free graphic that can be used for that very purpose:

This image will be displayed on ever street corner and held high above the heads of all true patriots over the next few weeks as we launch our first wave of attacks on liberal lies and delusions. In every major city and every small town across America, we will stand together against injustice and against socialism and bring this country back to its truest purest Christianest roots and bring America back again.

We must strengthen our free market, we must strengthen our military, we must strengthen our Christ-given convictions. Together we will defeat the ministry, we will SMASH THE MINISTRY. We will return this country to the democratic capitalistic Christian conservative country our forefathers always dreamed it would be.

We will end the days of socialist despots, liberal influentialists, rampant gayness, anti-Reaganism and endless balls. We must take back this country from those who wish to surrender to the Muslim extremists who would see us prostrate ourselves before them as they do all the time to something. We will preserve this country for our benevolent and top-notch health insurance companies and block any attempt by the government to steal your health care and make you wait in line until you die, under a system only built to benefit abortionists, border-jumpers and elder-abusers.

And most of all, we will take back this country for a Conservative American who resembles our values, resembles our faith, and resembles us. We will take back this country for the people and out of the hands of this anti-American Communist Undocumented Indonesian Racist in Chief.

But first, we must smash the ministry.

We will save this country.

They will be thankful.
But they will not thank us.
They will know you, but not us.
That is the task that is our charge.
To serve without exposure and expose those who serve only themselves.
Godspeed to you.

Regards,
Deep Dick